Killing me softly...

I'm sitting at a coffee shop with less than three week left in the semester and a thesis proposal due at the end of next week with nothing to write. I have no inspiration or motivation to create a thesis that gives voice to any of my passions or convictions. I'm numb. spent. overworked from academia and I find no desire to continue...to write...to process...to argue

but yet I have been preparing for The Academy my whole life. since I was a kid I found myself immersed in books instead of barbie dolls and found comfort in libraries rather than among the cool kids in high school. learning and knowledge have always been my companions.

so why all this feeling of apathy? why this depression? Why can't I figure out a thesis topic? why don't I care? the once desire to fervently pursue a Ph.D has slowly faded in the heaviness of the everyday.

honestly... if I can be truly transparent I kinda just wanna disappear...join a traveling circus or something. perhaps this is the start of my mid-life crisis - or mid age crisis - or maybe the results of someone who has always done the respectable thing and has grown tired...maybe I'm just tired...and maybe these are just the rants of an overworked exhausted grad students--typically feelings at the end of the semester...i don't know...

although these aren't the typical confessions of an overachiever, academically driven, respectable, professional, grad student but they are real, honest, raw -- soy yo

I kinda wanna say forget it - and walk away...from everything....

Venting is good for the soul...it helps empty the load...but what if the load is too much...what if the load won't empty and the feelings linger...what if they are killing me softly